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I hear ya ... leave the gorilla be for a spell.

Amen

My bad. Got a long ways to go to become socially acceptable again. Gonna have to go part time at work. I've only been able to work 10 days over the last 6 weeks. I tend to have this same behavior there. Hopefully therapy will begin the trip. I do think my meds are as good as they are gonna get however.

Ah, you're as socially acceptable as anybody else, just gotta learn to be less confrontational with your thoughts and opinions.

It's all good.

Difficult. Anger seems to be my favorite emotion. I have told my wife and that is why we went to the VA this last time to the ER. But, I still find myself wanting to pursue violence. I won't act on it now but I did. Now I'm doing basically what we had talked about. I am aware of it. It's like the cartoons that have a character with a little devil sitting on their shoulder pushing them toward evil. I hate it but at least for the most part I am aware of it. Just have a lot of unresolved issues. Therapist says PTSD is a condition in which some of us have not recovered from whatever we experienced. We just have not let go of whatever is keeping us hung in that elevated state. Therapy should be a trip.

That's the way it was with most of the folks in my groups and with me. Anger seems to be the first emotion that erupts, then sorrow, then guilt, then the isolation.

The other item of interest I learned from one of my therapists was the fact that once this can of worms was opened and I started dealing with all of this bottled up stuff, things were going to be 'percievably' worse before they got better. And it turned out to be very true in my case ... I thought I was getting worse by the day, but in hind sight I was actually healing a bit as I began processing some of the hidden past.

I wish you well in your adventure.

I know what you mean.

Yep, pretty much fits expected pattern ... so I'm told.

Is it "normal" for us to want to bodily harm to others? Scares the Jesus out of my wife when I tell her things like that. But, I really envision myself with rifle in hand going on a "spree". It is getting worse but like ya said Top I am told that it is the path to recovery. It is comforting to know that I am not some kind of freak.

My wife won't let me put all this back in my ruck sack and pack it another 20 years.

Analogy given to me was PTSD was an infection under the skin. Until you get in there and clean it out it will never heal. Once it is cleaned out, there will still be a scar but the infection will be gone.

No it aint 'normal' to want want to hurt somebody, but it is a common symptom of a reaction to a traumatic event, thus PTSD.

That's a good analogy. My therpist used the 'peeling layers off an onion' to get to the center of the issue. And just like when tearing off a top layer of skin, the exposed layer is very sensitive and the slightest touch hurts.

I agree with your wife, don't cover it back up. You've gotten to the point where you are (seemingly) ready to recognize this and want to get it taken care of, if not for yourself, for your family. That's a huge step and you are to be commended for it. But stick with it and see where it goes.

Well I have hidden from it for all these years. I do like the onion analogy. Just all new behavior for me. I am anxious to be on my way to "normalcy". I am glad there are others out there who can emphasize.

Have you done any "exposure" therapy? My therapist spoke of it but since group started sooner he opted for that. That was one thing I have kept myself from was any more combat stuff. Made me "cagey".

Nope, haven't been involved with that.

I've given some thought about doing some volunteer work or something for or with other vets. Any thoughts about that. I plan to maybe do it after my therapy of course and some time down the road. I looked at my local VFW website and it is as I remembered my earlier years drinking myself to oblivion. Can't get down with that. I'll ask around.

Top, you seem to have the gift. Ever thought about doing some work with others?

I don't know 'bout having a gift. The things I put folks through over years ... I wouldn't call it a gift. I thought about trying some volunteer work, or joining some organizations, but I don't have much staying power ... flash in the pan so to speak.

Some days are better than others. My resources are pretty limited, and at times upredictable, so I stay pretty close to home ... seems to work the best.

Well maybe this web site can be a tool for you. I've read a lot of comments on here and I've seen you give great advice and encouragement. You seem to have the gift of gab and a bit higher intellect than the average bear. I've seen you help others on this site including listening to my ranting so maybe you are giving back a little.


On a different note, I got an old refrigerator from work. I plan to bury it up to the door and start a worm farm! Damn if I ain't gonna do more fishing next year.

"Get busy livin' or get busy dying"

- Morgan Freeman