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Heading back to group today. I go every Monday. It is a CPT group. Things seem to be going well. What a difference between now and 15 years ago. At least in my little world. I still remember new things from time to time. At least now I'm getting them out and dealing with them. Unpleasant but necessary.

They stopped my group a couple of years ago to make room for the newer vets coming back from Iraq/Afganistan. My group was mostly D/S and Vietnam vets. She made it quite clear that we were just as important but we had learned some coping skills over the years and were already being seen in many cases in a 1 on 1 basis already. These guys coming back now were needing the help NOW to better their chances of not experiencing it as bad as we did after all those years.

Because of work issues and financial issues, I stopped all trips to my VA back last May when my wife was laid off. I am regretting it now as my head-med refills have recently run out and I must continue to go for other reasons. Its hard, her paycheck made up about 40% of our income. She has not been able to find anything since then either.

Jesus Dagg. Sounds rough. Any relief in sight? I know that the VA has increased the travel pay from 3 dollars or so to like 50$ a visit. We are eligible for it if we are 30% or greater disabled or financially qualify. My group has 1 Iraqi vet, 2 DS vets and about 10 Nam vets. Really cool how we all seem to have the same issues. You don't have any closer clinics?

We have had some of the same. My wife and I had both our hours cut. Our baby sitter fell through and my oldest child is a senior in highschool. We had to file bankruptcy, move to a much cheaper house, lose my truck and work opposite of my wife. Surely there is a solution for ya. I know if I'm off my head meds I'm unpleasant.

Group has been good. Learned some really interesting things about why I do the things I do.

Fear of abandonment- resulting from feeling abandoned by commanders in storm. 4 or 5 of us were in who knows where several times

Inability to take compliments - resulting from my internal dislike for me as a person during storm.

Rage/anger - I'm still mad at me.

etc.......

Dagger ... do you get travel pay when you go to the VA?

Man does that sound familiar.

I am with a group of vets in group and wow what a great deal of similarities.

Why did my teenagers just learn of my actions in DS? - Guilt and shame.

Feel guilty? It makes you dislike yourself.

Dislike self? Leads to self loathing, depression, suicide, anger.

Anger is an avoidance tactic used subconciously to avoid feelings @ times.

** This is me ya'll I am not saying anything about anybody else. This is what I have learned about me. I blamed myself for a lot of what happened and then even for things I had nothing to do with.

Having to prove now I was present at my stressors for the VA C&P claim. Frustrating. Thought that was a thing of the past.

Group therapy has been banging. Really good stuff. I have been trying to "let myself off the hook" if you will.

Unrelated: I have found a good scripture. It is from Phillippians Chapter 4 verse 1-9

Sorry for going religious. I have been reaching for anything that will help. I am weary of the meds. Making me sleepy.

My teenagers have survived me. I coped with alcohol the first part of their lives and then I was married to work so they learned to be without me. Especially after divorcing their mother 12 years ago. Now my oldest daughter graduates this year.

However; my 3 year old and my 1 year old are a blessing and are a shot to be the father that I know I can be and that they need. I don't want to be alone or in jail or in the grave.

just hang in there bro. remember we all have to deal with our own demons, each in his/her way.its hard, i"m still try to talk myself into going to va for help about anger an such. i don"t want pity. love of family & religion gets us all through alot of things in our weird twisted world.i"m glad group is helping u.
our war is like korea now ....almost forgotten, except by those who live everyday, like it was yesterday.
i keep hoping that get some help without any problems, that we"re listened to by the gov., va. ...that we need help, it may just a dream ,but its my dream for all of us.

They won't pity you man. That is in your own mind I think. They will care for you. Years ago they would not even listen. Make you feel weird if you recall. Now is different. More understanding of PTSD. I saw a thing the other day that said 20% of Iraqi vets had PTSD. They better step up and find treatment.

Everything hinges on your life. If you manage with out help, you got it licked. I did until last year when stress and time caught up to me. Too much anger finally got me. But it had been hurting my life for years. I've been married 3 times, in trouble after first getting out, 30 or so different jobs blah blah on and on. It got better but caught up to me. This time at the VA I was not embarrassed. My wife took me emergently. I did not want to go ( been there before and got nothing but embarrassment and shame and more guilt). But, it was better.

The war limited my ability to have a normal life. That's it in a sentence. I managed after time. Learned to cope but it was always there.

I did the drinkin' thing too ... with a few drugs thrown in here and there. Work became and escape from facing my family at home. Thought I was doing well but then the hammer fell.

Now I'm managing the fragments, trying to change others (family, acquaintances, no friends really) perception and expectations of me.

I'm definitely a changed person from who I was 5 years ago, but still haven't gotten all the pieces back together or found my place in society or my family.

I want but I fear, I don't feel, I don't expect ... I'm just here on earth for my time and try to make each day without falling backwards.

I hate being negative ... never was before ... stand tall they say ... be proud they say ... be happy they say ... good to see you they say ... I have no meaningful reply.

The VA averted a crisis and gave me a lot of information ... now its up to me.

Feeling ya. They give you a number of tools and then you fix it. I guess. My therapist tells me I will get out of my therapy what I put in. While I was an inpatient my psychiatrist told me to take away the PT and remember the SD. She said I have a stress disorder. She said that if she could write an order or script for me to have no stress she would. That made a lot of sense to me. It is interesting and somewhat unfortunate that a lot of our lives and stories are the same.

Aint that the truth ... stress disorder! That's exactly what my doc told me I needed ... I needed to avoid activities that cause me stress ... basically she said I needed to proctect myself from stress for awhile, until I could get my senses and stress handling capabilities under control.

I think I handle what stress I encounter well, I just don't encounter much and it doesn't take much for me to get overloaded on the sensory ( smell, sight, hearing, feeling) stuff. I think my biggest weakness is my lack of trust and my filtering capabilities.

Got a huge psychological evaluation that mainly showed I had an alienation problem. I knew that already. Stress does me in. So, I'm learning to deal. Meds making me dizzy this morning. Started Zoloft too on top of other one so we'll see how it works.

Good luck on the meds but be careful ... I didn't do well at all on the meds ... just be careful.