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saudivet5
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Location: Butner, N.C.

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Post by saudivet5 » Mon Nov 12, 2007 10:18 am

I meant this to be a new post but i accidentally made it a reply so I copied it here.

First I want to take a min. and tell everyone here that has responded to me as well as the theirs that respond to others also the one that just come to this site to browse, that I have never had this type of Brotherhood. This site and its creators have done an outstanding job and I plug this site to not only D.S. vets but all vets I see. There are a lot of vet sites out there but there is something special about this on. Although I’m a new member "recruit", I feel such a release of stress and like my heart has been given a new way to look at my own issues. It’s been 16 years since I came home. Everyday I have thought I was slowly going crazy, there have been times that it would have just been easier to just stop it all by my own hand. I would not now or ever do that but the thought of it has ran across my mind over the last 16 years. My wife (2nd) didn't under stand me she thought I was just an asshole, and has almost left me on several occasions. Mainly over trust issues, not necessarily infidelity trust but me not trusting anyone,” always suspicious" of everyone, that’s just to name one or two issues. I’m not trying to tell all my issues here, I'm just saying that for once in 16 years someone finally understands, they believe me. I never knew what PTSD was until a couple of months ago. My shrink sent me to be evaluated and they diagnosed me with it. I’m still learning about stuff but now there’s a picture for the face. When I came back home they screwed up my orders and sent me home a little earlier than my unit. Well the order sheet sent me to my home address so that’s where I went, I was shelled and I didn't understand that I needed to go to my base, FT Bragg. I was so shelled that I was afraid too for some reason, I just felt isolated. Well they sent the MP'S after me and tried me for desertion but found it was their mistake and I followed the orders, they discharged me Honorably ,and I went home but they never gave me any readjustment counseling and I never thought I had any PTSD. I didn't realize it because I thought I was just normal and going crazy. But I am not and now it’s been so long that I have lived this way they said it was chronic, they said my GAF Score? Whatever that is is a 47 and suggested I file a claim, I am already at 50% so I don’t know what they might do. I’m looking for a service officer now to see what they think. Any way thank you all for this site and your friendships and word of caring and advice, I plan to always be a member here if I am welcomed to be. So thank you.
"Upon closing eyes, I see demons instead of angels"
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5thFSEMSG
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Your Gulf War Unit: Please add your Unit
Location: Stedman NC
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Post by 5thFSEMSG » Mon Nov 12, 2007 11:55 am

Here, just in case you missed my answer in the VFW needs you thread.

GAF is Global Assement Functioning score. It determines how well you can blend into "normal" society. The higher your GAF score, the better you function in society. Your score places you in the "Dysfunctional" catagory, you can carry on normal conversations but work best in a sheltered environment. Here is a link to the GAF scoring system.

http://www.desertpacific.mirecc.va.gov/ ... e-6-07.pdf

and here is a link to the PTSD homepage which is chock full of useful information, no seriously.

http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/ncmain/index.jsp

Your PTSD can raise the amount of disability you are receiving. You should visit the nearest VET Center and see about getting into counseling, it helped me alot. My GAF is 41. PTSD does not go away, it does not get better, but we can learn how to control it and deal with it.

Your best weapon against PTSD is knowledge. I have several very good books on the subject. Some for you, some for your wife and kids. If you would like the Titles and stuff let me know and I'll post them.
5th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital, 5th Forward Surgical Element, Fort Bragg NC, DS/DS Oct 90 to Apr 91

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saudivet5
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Posts: 34
Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2007 6:58 pm
Your Gulf War Unit: Please add your Unit
Location: Butner, N.C.

thanks

Post by saudivet5 » Mon Nov 12, 2007 9:52 pm

Yes I would like to have that info for me and my family,I also have a question, I undrstand if you don't wish to answer it. but i'll ask just in case. Financially my familly is in really bad shape. I am a student using the voc rehab from the VA. im failing badly. It was my last chance i feel I have. I was trying to learn something that I could do without getting fired. I have Fibromyalgia which is very painfull and physical work like construction or things that I have to use my hands alot for I just can't do it fo long periods of time. I am service connected 50% for that .I worked all the time but with the fibro, plus this PTSD is is causing concentration issues for me. It always did I just didn't know what it was. Along with the PTSD they also said I had a seporate disorder called Major Depressive Disorder directly from my experince from the war. I know they link depresion with PTSD but normally from what i have seen they stick it at the end of the PTSD disorder. They gave me two seporate diagnosises. I'm at a loss and conflict.I cant provide for my familly without working and i can't find anyone that will hire me cause my issues make me slow. I don't tell them so I have the same shot the next guy would but after awhile I just can't do the work and I'll get fired and if i tell them they will not hire me. Plus I have to take a Narcotic pain killer which screws up any drug tests , so school was my last hope and their about to kick me out of that. I know you ca't really answer this, but in your opinion ,from any experience you may know or have heard, do you think they could total me out with a claim. I don't see that I have any other opotion. I'm calling th DAV, and other service officers starting tommarow. but my fisrt claim was hard and crazy. Any thing you cal tell me or send me I will GLADLY accept and Thank You So Much !! a friend.
"Upon closing eyes, I see demons instead of angels"
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5thFSEMSG
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Post by 5thFSEMSG » Mon Nov 12, 2007 11:07 pm

This is why they have a 100% Individually Unemployable catagory. I was going through much the same myself. I could not perform the duties of a Nurse because of the nerve damage in my extremities. I also had issues with anger control and a basic distrust of civilians in general. I lost 3 jobs in the period of 9 months. Each time I lost a job I sent a letter to my VSO explaining the situation. I was at 90% then and the last job was for the Federal Government working at a Soldier Readiness Center. I was fine until they brought in a useless civilian RN to be the "supervisor" for the 2 LPNs working there. She shirked her duties onto us, was never around when she was needed and accussed me of faking documents for time off. That last one blew my lid and I had to either leave the room or toss her through the window (without opening it first). I couldn't take it anymore so I threw my badge at her and told her that I had enough of her laziness and incompitence and baseless accusations, so I quit right there on the spot with no notice. I sent a letter to my VSO and a month later I was raised to 100% IU then in the same letter I was made permanent and total in my disability.

So go to your VSO and tell him/her everything and get all of your evidence from school and work together and give to your VSO. When you have your interview for PTSD, don't tell them that you are fine. You are shooting yourself in the foot. Tell the truth, the horrible truth, every bit of it, just like you did here. I suspect you'll make 100%

Here are the book titles and ISBN so that you can order them:

The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook. ISBN 0-7373-0265-8
(This is a pretty good book, written for health care providers. It's main drawback is that it tends to treat all forms of PTSD the same. A woman who suffers from a single episode of rape may develop PTSD, but it won't be as severe as a Soldier from combat because he/she has the trauma repeated daily sometimes many times a day. This makes the PTSD deeper and more difficult to control.)

Recovering from the War - A woman's guide to helping your Vietnam Vet, your family, and yourself. ISBN 0-14-009912-3

(Don't let the title fool you, this covers any war veteran who suffers from PTSD and how we can heal and bind again with our families.)

Vietnam Wives - Facing the challenges of life with veterans suffering Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

(Again don't let the title fool you, this covers any war veteran who suffers from PTSD and how we can heal and bind again with our families.)

I have read all 3 books and they all contain valuable information on how to deal with the disease and it effects you and your family.
5th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital, 5th Forward Surgical Element, Fort Bragg NC, DS/DS Oct 90 to Apr 91

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doublecheese
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Post by doublecheese » Tue Nov 13, 2007 12:47 am

MAN, i feel blessed i dont go through what you guys go thru! its scary. i hope some how both of you can find peace. Im not not trying to be a smart ass either, im just glad i didnt.... well have this problem. HAVE you tried god? He cares, he will not put anything on you, that you can not handle. HE will not forsake you, never betray you, only love you (uncondisinally) Sorry, i know its not my conversation.
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Dagger X-Ray
Good Soldiers Never Die
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Your Gulf War Unit: 2nd Brigade 1st Infantry Division
Location: Central Florida
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Post by Dagger X-Ray » Tue Nov 13, 2007 6:10 am

I am happy for you DC and envy you but do not rule yourself out just yet. It was 14 years before I ever stopped, listened to the signs, decided to start asking questions and went to people who helped me understand what I had going on in my head. They called it depression and PTSD, I just called it "my life sucks".
Dagger X-Ray - ARMY
(12/91 - present) - miss the service
(9/90 - 12/91) 2nd Bde 1st Infantry Division - Desert Shield / Desert Storm Combat VET
(9/88 - 9/90) C-17th Signal Battalion of 22nd Signal Brigade - Sachsenhausen Bar Scene VET
(4/88 - 9/88) AIT Fort Gordon, Ga
(12/87 - 3/88) Basic Training Fort Jackson, SC
"People sleep peacefully in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."
-George Orwell
"I am a soldier, I fight where I am told, and I win where I fight."
- General George Patton
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saudivet5
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Posts: 34
Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2007 6:58 pm
Your Gulf War Unit: Please add your Unit
Location: Butner, N.C.

thanks again

Post by saudivet5 » Tue Nov 13, 2007 8:46 am

I appreciate everything you told me and I will do just that. It’s really hard being in the middle of it all. I called it my life sucks too! To answer the other response (2nd) yes my family and I go to church. That to as been difficult over the years. I was in the middle of the Basrah highway (highway 8 or 9 ) I cant remember but I was in the middle of thousands of dead blown up mutilated bodies, my job was to collect them throw them in the back of a deuce and a half ride in the back to the dump sites where thy ( we ) (I ) had to douse them after throwing them into the engineers hole that they had to dig and torch them. I had this detail as they called it for a good four to six months then came straight home. While I was on that road there were battlefield priests and chaplains congratulating everyone saying it was Gods will. MY conflict was should a man of God teach you how to love your enemy 6 days a week and show you how to kill them on the 7th? I battled with that for a long time and still sometimes I have a little trouble. I learned the devil has just as many men in clothes as God and that evil does exist. Oh! I almost forgot... the people that died over that assault between Feb 27 & Mar. 2 were not even firing on us. I am unclear of the cease fire date but I believe that assault was the reason why and I was there before it behind sand dunes with the 18th A.B.C. and a few of the 24 ID guys, during it as the ear and soul shattering thing happened, and that is putting it extremely lightly, and after to clean it up. I believe in God and I pray to some extent every day, for strength and for my wife and children. They try but can't really understand, especially my children I never talk about that stuff with them, but they know something is wrong and that I’m sick. My wife is a wonderful, beautiful woman that I don't deserve. God bound us, and he put her and me on the same path, I believe there was a reason for that cause her smile not only knocked me on my ass, but also gave me direction in my life. It was through her that I found God again, and I am and always will be humbled and grateful to God for that and many other reasons throughout my life, but my beautiful wife was the tool He used for my redemption and its your conversation too. You didn't butt in at all.
"Upon closing eyes, I see demons instead of angels"
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Dagger X-Ray
Good Soldiers Never Die
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Joined: Tue Mar 22, 2005 1:35 pm
Your Gulf War Unit: 2nd Brigade 1st Infantry Division
Location: Central Florida
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Post by Dagger X-Ray » Tue Nov 13, 2007 10:12 am

I would either find a VA service officer or go to the DAV or VFW and get some additional help on increasing your VA disability claim. You were in the shit of it. I was 1/4 mile from the area you speak of and I distinctly remember the smell, I saw some of that destruction but nowhere near what you saw. I can't even imagine the demons in your dreams...if you even do have dreams. I feel for you brother, I feel for you in the worst way. You did good finding a woman to accept you and your demons and to help you through it all. Others have not been so lucky.

Follow through with the VA and feel free to open up in here all you want since many of us already have an idea where your coming from. We are all here for each other.
Dagger X-Ray - ARMY
(12/91 - present) - miss the service
(9/90 - 12/91) 2nd Bde 1st Infantry Division - Desert Shield / Desert Storm Combat VET
(9/88 - 9/90) C-17th Signal Battalion of 22nd Signal Brigade - Sachsenhausen Bar Scene VET
(4/88 - 9/88) AIT Fort Gordon, Ga
(12/87 - 3/88) Basic Training Fort Jackson, SC
"People sleep peacefully in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."
-George Orwell
"I am a soldier, I fight where I am told, and I win where I fight."
- General George Patton
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saudivet5
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Posts: 34
Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2007 6:58 pm
Your Gulf War Unit: Please add your Unit
Location: Butner, N.C.

thanks

Post by saudivet5 » Tue Nov 13, 2007 12:34 pm

I appriciate everything you said and I will get that help this is all new to me the PTSD stuff, and believe me I know how lucky I am its almost unbeleivable that there are still real women out there, the true blue ones that genuinly love you. This is my second one and last and right one. the first one was at the end of the other end of that spectrum. Yeah I was in the shit alright and I don't sleep, a couple of hours here and there, I'm afraid to most of the time ,the nightmares are horrific sometimes. Its like russian roullete with dreams, you close your eyes drift, off and the nightmare wheel spins. Some are worse than others and you never know which reoccuring one will come back next. Once in awhile, man, I'll have a normal sleep and its incredably nice. Thanks for letting me share ,I think I upset someone asking for pictures to help support my claim, and I feel bad about that I hope they understand . I went back and I tried to explain myself and I apologized. I hope that was enough. I like it here, I dont mean to be graphic or forthcoming about my expierences, I am desensitized about most of the stuff I did, verbally and I think I upset someone. Any way thank you for letting me share with you.
"Upon closing eyes, I see demons instead of angels"
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Dagger X-Ray
Good Soldiers Never Die
Posts: 1899
Joined: Tue Mar 22, 2005 1:35 pm
Your Gulf War Unit: 2nd Brigade 1st Infantry Division
Location: Central Florida
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Post by Dagger X-Ray » Tue Nov 13, 2007 1:10 pm

No worries, upsetting someone is something that I do on a daily basis...of course its usually my wife and I usually do not mean to do it. Someone has to tick someone off every day, thats life. We cannot have harmony in everything we do.

That post was probably a spur of the moment thing by someone who dreads remembering any of that stuff themself. Needing it to prove to the VA is a different thing, they do want pictures and preferably ones with you in them to show the proof that your claim is valid.

It would probably take a lot to upset someone here enough for someone to hold anything against you.
Last edited by Dagger X-Ray on Tue Nov 13, 2007 1:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Dagger X-Ray - ARMY
(12/91 - present) - miss the service
(9/90 - 12/91) 2nd Bde 1st Infantry Division - Desert Shield / Desert Storm Combat VET
(9/88 - 9/90) C-17th Signal Battalion of 22nd Signal Brigade - Sachsenhausen Bar Scene VET
(4/88 - 9/88) AIT Fort Gordon, Ga
(12/87 - 3/88) Basic Training Fort Jackson, SC
"People sleep peacefully in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."
-George Orwell
"I am a soldier, I fight where I am told, and I win where I fight."
- General George Patton
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saudivet5
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Posts: 34
Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2007 6:58 pm
Your Gulf War Unit: Please add your Unit
Location: Butner, N.C.

harmony

Post by saudivet5 » Tue Nov 13, 2007 1:14 pm

thanks man you're right there is no good without bad. You can't make everyone happy.
"Upon closing eyes, I see demons instead of angels"
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5thFSEMSG
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Re: harmony

Post by 5thFSEMSG » Tue Nov 13, 2007 1:47 pm

saudivet5 wrote:thanks man you're right there is no good without bad. You can't make everyone happy.
I drove through that area too. The memories are indelibly burned into my brain. Between that and the wounded and dead I worked on, it's no wonder I developed PTSD. You should apply for the increased disability and get the help you need so that you can cope with the disease. Not to worry, you haven't upset anyone around here.
5th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital, 5th Forward Surgical Element, Fort Bragg NC, DS/DS Oct 90 to Apr 91

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saudivet5
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Posts: 34
Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2007 6:58 pm
Your Gulf War Unit: Please add your Unit
Location: Butner, N.C.

Post by saudivet5 » Tue Nov 13, 2007 2:25 pm

God Speed and Thank you. I made an appointment for tomorrow morning with my VSO. I go to individualized therapy every week, its one on one, and then I plan to go to group therapy. I have 14 more sessions of the one on one stuff and then I change to group. I ran from this so long, trying to hide it, not even knowing what "IT" was. It I've done myself a lot of damage, I didn't realize how much. But I didn’t know I had PTSD. I actually thought I was going crazy. It didn't start out full blown, it was subtle and finally now it’s incapacitating. It’s a really strange disease. Sounds, smells and everything…even going to the landfill to take my garbage.
Any way I've gotten off on another target, thank you for your and everyone’s support.
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doublecheese
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Post by doublecheese » Tue Nov 13, 2007 4:59 pm

I wasnt upset at you about the pictures, i explained earlier in a post that"What may be strange to one person may be normal to another",as far as sombody saying i dont wont to see those pictures, their right, but not becuse its traumitzing to me, i see enough bad crap on the news, i sure dont need to see it in my photo album. But you didnt upset me, im just very opinonated. Thats why they call this a "COMMUNITY FORM BOARD". Dont take what i said so hard. Do what you need to do to get help.
saudivet5
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Posts: 34
Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2007 6:58 pm
Your Gulf War Unit: Please add your Unit
Location: Butner, N.C.

Opinionated

Post by saudivet5 » Tue Nov 13, 2007 8:52 pm

I understand you completely,and I appriciate you for comming back to tell me that you were not upset with me. Believe it or not that actually means something to me. What one persons strange is, is my normal. I will explain that part in a moment. While I was in the desert in the begining, it was pretty boring. Not much happening almost like a sorted vaction. I left FT. Bragg gun ho and I too was opinionated, but not so long after my opinions and I arrived in the sand box. I was told by my unit comander that the 18 th were looking for a few people for a "detail". I was up for a rank upgrade and he said it would look good if " an outgoing trooper would grab it and run with it" Told me that my "up front and in your face kinda way" was what they asked for. I thought sure why not in my opinion, a bunch of "rag heads" causing me to be out here in the heat suckin up sand like a whore in bangkok. Hell I'll do any thing to get it done and make it one step closer to Braggtown.(FT BRAGG). Just standin around behind a bunch of sand dunes, not doing anthing but bullshiting around.Untill the percussion of a 1000 lbs bomb knocked me on my ass. lying there trying to breath not knowing if I just got killed or not, with nothing but a continuous tone in my ear. Looking around seeing people diving and huddleing up but not hearing anything. Then came another one, then the tracer rounds from apatche hellicopters going over my head caught the corner of my eye as I stood up to jump behind the sand bags I had been filling all day and stacking for no reason at all, just a detail for an upgrade that In my opinion I thought I deserved. By then I could hear a little and I heard screams and small arms fire. Stray rounds zipping by making a distinct screeching noise as they hit the sand. For hours this went on ,I'll spare the real drama, but in the begining of the end of that straf .When I walked into the after math. I stopped and I looked around, nothing but the bad crap you see on your T.V.. At that point I realized my opinions didn't really matter any more, cause the families of the crap that you see on T.V., will never know, and the trivial things MY opinions walked brazenly through mattered. I don't work with opinions anymore who cares when its all said and done. I do... The next guy behind me whos afraid to stand up because other peoples opinions scare him. No, I guess your right I wouldn't want to see that in my family album either, I'd rather see him there smiling, because he found a "KICK ASS COMUNITY FORUM" that have people on there that know that trivial things like upsetting someone has an impact on people,and the words they say can lift them with hope or drop them out of their family album.I choose to take what you said to heart and i'm glad that I did't upset you. I really have gotten great help from this site I love the brotherhood and I am getting the help I need,I got the direction I needed and words of encouragement to go that way cause I was lost. The pics I was asking for wasn't for my amusement it was an attempt to help someone else by helping my own self through my claim. I wasn't the only person doing what i was doing, there are others and they are somewhere. I hope that through my bad experiences that I can help someone else ,Knowone wants to be in my head, my signiture on the bottom is a relfection of how it feels , take care brothers ,I really like this forum. Thank You.
"Upon closing eyes, I see demons instead of angels"
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